After editing and managing 100GB+ of footage on YouTube, I deleted all of my videos. Why? I am Overwhelmed. But why?
Table of Contents
Perfectionism
Most if not all of my worries in regards to the general performance, perspective or even curation of my YouTube channel stems from 1 thing and 1 thing alone, perfectionism.
As you spend enough time re-watching yourself for hours on end talking about the same thing over and over again, you tend to overthink and redirect your thoughts from why you are making videos in the first place. Here’s why if you’re wondering.
The whole idea of making this very website (using WordPress) & making YouTube videos is to get myself out there. To be able to showcase myself online and embrace my insecurities. Directly pursuing a passion. But then why would I then decide to private all of my videos? It’s not the reason you think it is…
I Want To Do It Right
I have been spending most of my days editing videos and getting the courage to post them online. But I got a sudden thought this very night, a desire to want to redirect my efforts. I have an issue with “doing it right” the first time. Meaning if I hadn’t only showcased the best of the best videos or videos that have a *theme* amongst them, then I shall scrap all of it and restart. Hours upon hours, weeks upon weeks, months upon months of work, finito, gone, lost.
Beforehand, I would do this for the sake of simply not believing in myself, low-confidence, self-loath…you get the idea π. On the other hand, now it’s different, I’m doing this to be more sustainable and provide more consistency in my channel.
Apple Notes Helped Me? π
There was a time earlier this year whereby I was really trying things out. Fiverr gigs were one of them. I wanted to offer services of custom desktop wallpapers using Artificial Intelligence. Yet, with a deeply-engraived belief of having no self worth, I took that offer down. But during this time I stumbled on a comment in a YouTube video in regards to getting clients on Fiverr, it said:
“pick something that is not based on creativity but more technical as it is easier to please”
Granted, there is no sense of validity to this comment. It could be just a simple business quote, or it could be a mind-blowing discovery of finding a solution to my problem. I was reminded of this comment when I stumbled on it in my Apple Notes app. I thought, well it may have some benefit to the situation I have with YouTube right now π€, to ponder on.
What Was My Plan?
“Maybe kan, I should try and focus on shorter form content, like YouTube Shorts. In favor of getting more engagement maybe even using…. TikTok π΅and reposting to other platforms including Instagram“ was what I thought.
With WordPress, I spent basically 2 weeks designing, redesigning, implementing, re-doing, re this and that until finally 1 day I scrapped everything and built a website in 1 day. I figure with YouTube, this could be the same thing whereby on the 12th of June 2023 I private my 4 videos, and maybe just maybe, I could figure it out in 1 single day.
I don’t consider my YouTube channel a failure (btw a crazy feat in my therapy progress ππ₯³) but more that I want to somehow have a better plan and execution. I have firsthand experience whereby a plan can be more time consuming than the actual execution. Such as when you’re doing GTA missions having to kumpul all the crates back and forth the warehouse just to get the airplane stuck on a palm tree during delivery and lose all the cargo…π.
Back To The Point
βοΈ hi, just a heads up, if you’re still reading this please subscribe and like the videos, it would mean the world to me π βοΈ
Back to the point… hmm. today would have been the second video and the second day of the challenge series thing that I would be posting but I rasa macam, sure I could just fork out all these videos but it really doesn’t bring me much enjoyment, feels like such a bloody chore that I merely don’t want to bother with it. 99% of the time, I would be excited to research, plan, record, edit, finalize, etc. But in the span of these past weeks, I rasa macam terpaksa (forced) pula.
E.g. just now, I posted, okay, done, next.
The whole process seemed more like I’m stamping papers on TikTok live, a more tedious task than a meaningful hobby. you know? Maybe I truly have to revisit why I am doing this and get back this urge to understand, urge to push myself and urge to pursue this potential career, or what have you. To revisit my SMART Goals. Even though I directed it towards WordPress initially, I have seen myself utilize it for YouTube as of late.
I don’t know what I am doing nor do I have any idea. But steps should be taken to some extent as to realize and find.
I Have Something To Show π
As of now, I have to be honest, the only source of refuge I may have right now in terms of a product or an item of use or any sort of “HEY LOOK AT ME LOOK AT WHAT I JUST DID”, is my website/personal blog (adibmula.com). It is most probably the bread and butter, the foundation of my internet persona that I would like to engrain on the internet. My first baby. πΌ
I guess I am slowly slithering into Ali Abdaals footsteps of starting off as a writer, or writing on a blog and writing my thoughts. Hopefully, later on finally being able to find a proper source or semblance of self-confidence to showcase myself online on YouTube. That it may seem to be such a tedious and underlyingly difficult task to post on YouTube. Yet even with these thoughts, I EMBRACE IT! I STILL POST ON YOUTUBE, as to follow my value of PERSISTENCE π
Time Is Of The Essence
I feel as though there’s not much time left for me to fuck up and get back up. Decisions have to be made now and I’m worried they are made too irrationally. I want to find a purpose and hopefully gain enough strength to pursue any career that I think would either most fit. I don’t necessarily care as of now what that path may be, because time has passed, too much of it. But I think this is the issue, time.
I know confidence and inner peace doesn’t come from wealth, monetary items, the new car or bike, the words spoken by strangers around you, non of it. but I think it is somewhat of an amalgamation of what we live off of. If I exercise and get fit, I feel more confident. If I study to be a doctor and do well, I get to help people heal on this earth. If I… I will…
so if I do YouTube, I should be more of an outward person, more confident in my words and actions, right?
“What” by Playboi Carti π¦ππ¦
The question now is if I “what?” Having talked about this with my friend. He stated that all that there should be are attempts, trials and tribulations will come and lessons will be learnt. Actually, he just said “you have to try to know what you like”, but that’s what I got from it huhu.
I guess because of time, I want to do it right, and in turn see results NOW. Or with my past views of being “perfect” (a future discussion) being of priority, I want to find something that sticks for a long long time.
It’s not that I hate YouTube, like I said I want to do it. It’s just that I want to do it right. But that requires me to try and fail. I guess so far since creating my channel on the 3rd of May 2023, I HAVE been trying and pursuing it consistently. But today has been different. The emotions have been different.
The Realization
Today I finally saw some idea of what it takes to make YouTube videos consistently. Over periods of hours, day by day, slaving away for this hobby, albeit now it being more of a concurrent reminder to myself to keep striving and maintain persistence.
I have never gotten this feeling of dread from posting videos, maybe nearing more towards issues with self-confidence but not this. I’ve been editing all my videos on my phone using Capcut and my god it can get very disorienting. I feel like puking every time I finish a multi-hour session of editing videos, even with using Pomodoro timers to take breaks in between.
It kind of neglects my views of less phone usage and to be more present, but I kind of have to put that belief aside, It’s the only thing connecting me to posting YouTube videos, and getting it done. My laptop is 8 years old and it CANNOT handle any more bullshit ahahahha. It’s gonna π₯explodeπ₯ anytime soon, hence why I’ve been backing up my files almost everyday, for when the time comes.
All-in-all, these are the reasons why I would love to have a Macbook Air 15-Inch 16GB RAM + 512GB of Storage for work purposes.
imagine if I were to stop the post here. Sambung baca, keep going. You’re doing great π
The 1 Thing… (a thought The Morning After π)
it’s me.
All that I’ve thought about YouTube, my experiences, my downfalls and kickbacks, my worries, my perfectionism, my desire to get it right, my anxiousness, to private and unprivate videos, my rumination on what is right and wrong, is all merely, in my head.
You would think, “of courselah Adib wth are you talking about. Of course all that you think is in your head, duh“.
Overthinking is what I mean. Look at how much you’ve read in this blog post, the varying thoughts to and fro, up and down, left and right, this is all an example of rumination in the span of 2 minutes in real time.
YouTube isn’t necessarily my career path, it’s also not NOT my potential career path. The thing is, I tend to fantasize about my work and tasks at hand far beyond what is already reachable in front of me. At times, I require a personal reality check. To not wander off into a mystical land of Imagination π, but to take a step back (xxxtentacion) and think.
The entire idea is to get it right the first time, but that will never be the case. How am I supposed to find a proper niche, or editing style or story to tell or theme of my YouTube channel, when I haven’t tried the various options out there π€·? At times all we need is to try.
TLDR; What Made Me Think of The Answer?
That one day, let’s say a year from now. I can look back at the cringe, lackluster, immature, poorly edited, boring, videos of today and see how far I’ve progressed in this Journey. To document, share, and store memories. YouTube, that is all.
Alhamdulillah
As a token of my appreciation, here is a picture of the cat I always meet during my morning walks (as seen on Twitter).