DO YOU WANT TO FEEL PAIN UP UNTIL YOU DIE?

tired | A Beautiful Disaster of A Post +++ Chaos Sprinkled With Solace

✨ blessings, a temporary peace of mind

Tired of overthinking. Tired of trying to monetize anything and everything. Tired of perfectionism. Here are my thoughts over the past couple of days. Context, for the past month, I have been missing from this blog. Hi, hello, hope you are fine. I’m not sure whether I’m asking you the reader or just myself, probably myself. But welcome!

In short, a bit over a month ago I got a new laptop. I was ecstatic and decided to make a video out of it. With that, came a lot of self-doubt, self-loathing and just overall despair in not believing in myself, as seen here. This was just an example of a momentary issue that I was having, quite specific but a lot of these types of things were happening throughout the month.

Yet I pushed through and posted my video. I am proud of it honestly. I hope I managed to provide some educational information and such but then again, does it have to? I can’t just do something for the sake of doing it? Why does everything have to be “for someone” or “with prior questioning of why you are doing it”?

Can’t things just exist as they are? Can’t I just make things because I like making them? Does everything need a purpose? This life to me is evidently short anyways, purpose is what you make of it and me being me, there’s not much I see in this life other than a temporary pitstop.

This is probably gonna be one of those personal posts, but hey, that circles back to my frustrations in the first sentence of this post. I’m tired of trying to make everything a source of income. Here’s the thing, since posting my video on the 12th of September 2023, I have been kind of lost. Beforehand, everyday I would wake up with the intention to finish up the video, at least push through the day whilst pushing aside any mental barrier I had for myself. But now, that’s not the case.

❓I really Don’t Know What To Do

Yesterday night, well very early this morning rather, at around 3am I was just journaling my heart out about what matters to me. How I want to move forward and what I can deplete from my mental notes to make sure I am on a straight path. Here were some of the key points from this mornings journaling (some Malay translated for blog purposes):

  • after posting the macbook video, I’ve been foggy-minded and just lost. For a week or two I have been consuming YouTube over and over all day everyday F*CK. I have to stop. I actually have to just think and be in my own mind rather than listening to others. serious. f*ck f*ck.

^ this would refer to my previously mentioned points of feeling lost in a way. I don’t know why this overwhelming dread is here.

  • I am super lost. I am scared of being stagnant. I want to do more than what I have done. But I don’t know what’s best. If all else fails, I die, chill out.

^ I know the “if all else fails, I die” sounds like a suicidal thought, which it very well could be. Contrarily, it’s not. I am merely reminding myself that death will come, that nothing that I worry about or am anxious about will seize to exist. So, why should I get stressed about ___ if I will live on elsewhere anyways. “Chill out”, i tell myself. After being stuck for many years, I just don’t want to get stuck AGAIN.

I want to keep moving with the momentum that I’ve gotten this year. But I guess this desire to get back the same consistency, hunger and energy to succeed is all just fake. It’s all but an “I wish” scenario. That I wish I was me before, before all this happened. That I wouldn’t overthink as much or that I would be halted by my own thoughts as much……

💸 Etsy is A Scam

In the past few days, I’ve been diligent in learning and posting on Etsy. Specifically promoting my wallpaper packs that I have made specifically for blog post headers or just personal use on my own phone and computer. I don’t know why, but I find enjoyment in just making my own wallpapers for both desktop and phone. It just feels more personal, I can make it fairly quickly and easily, and some serve as reminders for myself. For example, I have a phone wallpaper that states to “Go Slow“. Sure, I may not read it every time I open up my phone, but it’s there. Subconsciously, It should have an effect, right? Whatever.

I had made an Etsy page in the past but was quickly humbled when my Etsy store was just shutdown. Literally out of nowhere. Imagine, just entering a university or institution or workforce, and 2 days into it you get expelled or fired. Without reason. What a shi**y business model. Absolutely infuriating.

At that time, I had seen many instances of peoples’ Etsy pages being shutdown out of the blue. With some pages having hundreds of thousands of sales, being shutdown by Etsy without any closure. Crazy to think. Wow, that just circles back to the main reason I even made my own website, just to own whatever I have built. You could write on Medium, or SquareSpace, but you can never really say any of the content you write is truly yours. Preference for sure though.

I digress, even with having experienced an Etsy store shutdown myself, I gave it another go. Past few days were just me learning the platform, understanding the process, and kind of planning out my posts as they sit on the shelves of my virtual store. I really like how my store looks so far. However, 6 posts in, I started overthinking.

I started to ruminate on the idea that I don’t have control over my Etsy store. I don’t have control whether some random idiot decides to copyright strike one of my posts and ultimately result in a ban of my account. From what I see, Etsy works kind of like Ebay. Whereby, they cater to the “striker” / customer more so than the seller, you know, the people whom help them make money in the first place?

Etsy has such a vast audience with over 400 Million visits just this past month. However, with a backhanded slap to the face, you could very well receive a calm and undisclosed shutdown to your store. Too many cases for me to even have a slither of trust in this platform. There’s so much potential, and so much upside to it. Yet, a large part of me (funny because I gained some weight recently), is just leaning away from this platform. Something in me says, “don’t waste your time”.

So i was thinking of other opportunities.

↔️ An Etsy Alternative

I have had experience with Gumroad in the past. But one thing that stopped me from pursuing it was the sheer lack of discoverability on the site. You literally have to funnel another audience into your shop page, otherwise there would never really be a chance that you would make any sales. There is a Discover page, but even that requires you to make a minimum sale amount, to be eligible for that service. Overall, all of this just needs some funnelling of attention, from somewhere. We’ll get to that in a bit.

The main difference that struck me as it being an alternative to Etsy is the security of it all. I have never heard of a person having their Gumroad account shutdown for any reason. It just doesn’t really exist. A lot of people mainly notion template salesman I call them, have made millions, literally millions on Gumroad without a hitch. Granted they do end up eventually handling all sales on their own website, but right now it’s the comparison of either choices here.

I had to ask myself… what is more important to me?

a. The low chance of reach? a.k.a. Etsy due to high competition

b. Peace of mind? a.k.a. Gumroad

Kofi came to mind too, but that’s kind of out of my spectrum. Then again, I already have it, why not utilize it right? BTW, if you’re for some reason reading this, please feel free to support me on ko-fi here 🙂 I was thinking, well, ko-fi would be rather interesting but Gumroad has potential. It could also garner customer emails once they purchase a product of mine so that would be a direct plus point. for real for real.

🗺️ Irrelevant Planning

After some more brainstorming, planning, staging whatever you want to call it, I started listing down different things I could do. Things I could try to achieve. Like an ASMR YouTube channel (pretty sick and chill personally speaking). Or some marketing on TikTok for the wallpapers or whatever whatever.

Then I started going through skills I had developed this year, like video editing with both CapCut and Davinci Resolve, learning Notion, Microsoft Excel, Canva, etc. etc. etc. basically anything to do with softwares and tools on the computer, I was doing. Whatever it took to make my YouTube videos looking good, and inherently making me proud of myself and my achievement of doing so. Journaling tutorials. Or how I cleared up my skin, having learnt skincare last year. Or thinking of ways to help people in saving money or this and that and this and….

… I was thinking of doing services on Fiverr or learning Framer or this tool and that. Maybe making a video about my weight loss journey or a workout video. Maybe pursuing the ASMR ting etc. You get the point. Then it struck me, well kind of. I thought it was a pinnacle point of clarification but that came about the following day.

To sell a high ticket item. In USD. As I’m getting overly stressed about RM5.00 phone wallpapers, it’s not like I can make a solid income from that ahahahhaha truthfully. Why am I so heartbroken because of that. I was thinking, well If I were to sell a high ticket item, I needed to show that I knew my sh*t. Easlo shows he knows Notion, so then he can sell high. Oliur shows he knows the minimal space, so he sells minimal stuff. You have to show you know a certain field more than the next person, only then you can sell.

🥀 self-loathing begins

This is where the lack of self-belief came into play (unsurprisingly). Yet it was a positive type of self-loathe. Hear me out.

At first I was frustrated with my actions. I was disappointed at how much I was trying to chase money and a potential income source, a sense of stability somewhere that could be classified as “undiscovered”. To the point that I had lost the very idea of reality. Of being realistic. I was mad at myself, “f*ck not everything is based on finding another sale adib. f*ck man”.

Here is where the positive self-loathe comes in. I had journaled, “YOU ARE NOTHING NOW AND THAT’S OKAY. YOU CAN BE SOMETHING LATER ON. JUST DO WHAT YOU WANT AND TRY THINGS OUT. KALAU JADI JADI. KALAU TAK IS AIGHT HAHA. apa2 pun, don’t be a lazy bum

ACTUALLY MAKE SHIT YOU’RE PROUD OF. TAKYAH OVER SANGAT, SIKIT2 DAH.

☀️ The Morning After (Finale)

I woke up in a blur. Frustrated with myself. Frustrated that I am “incapable” as I believed it. Frustrated that I don’t allow myself to fail, or look like an idiot, or to be ashamed. To push people away as they try to get closer to me. I am frustrated with myself. I set up my exercise mat and dumbbells. Ended up pacing back and forth for roughly 30 minutes talking to myself. Listening to my own voice rather than others on my laptop speakers.

Talking to myself. I decided to record a part of my morning thought dump. Nearing the end of my workout as I had done knee pushups (due to shoulder injury – still weak), squats and lastly farmers walks with 10.5kg in each hand, I had 1 set left. I was so into my state of flow, trying to find a solution to my issues, that I stumbled on this thought.

This very thought that gave me a sense of leeway, that what I am doing is fine. That what I was doing was an attempt. That what I am able to do is not defined by what I can do now. Below, is a synopsis transcript of the video that I recorded before my final set (to failure).

  • the whole reason behind doing YouTube is to find myself
  • Perfectionism. In getting affiliates done, getting products ready, getting everything ready before I eventually blow up, lol. I’m putting more effort into the backend of the deal rather than the actual deal! Why not I make sure I blow up?
  • Spending weeks doing wallpapers, spending weeks writing content, spending weeks planning videos, and yet it’s frustrating.
  • It’s frustrating to think this way. To have a feeling that you need to be ready for everything. Life is unpredictable and yet, I want to be ready for whatever opportunity comes my way. But i’m wasting time…
  • If you try to do too many things, you’re never really going to go anywhere… for real.
  • You want to focus on, YouTube, blog, affiliates, products, investments, tech, self-help, computers, lessons, ASMR, Quran. You want to do so much but you end up doing nothing.
  • If somebody asks me, “Adib, may I see some of your work?”. I shouldn’t list down the things I want to do…. I should actually be in a position to show them what I have done, YES OR YES!
  • STOP TRYING TOO MUCH! simplify simplify simplify
  • instead of thinking about yourself, think about how you can help people.
  • If I want to do any of the extra tidbits other than YouTube, if you want to increase blog visits, get sales on affiliate links, gain trust, gain momentum, ensure consistency. If I want all of these factors, I HAVE TO JUST…OMG. JUST FOCUS ON 1 THING.
  • That 1 thing could be YouTube, still learning, still trying.
  • I’ve been slacking on this blog because, I’ve “been preparing for when I achieve a milestone on YouTube”. SHUTUP WHERE ARE YOUR PRIORITIES. go to hell.
  • stop focusing on too much stuff, stop focusing on too much stuff, it doesn’t benefit you, overall it gives you excuses.
  • “i can’t do my videos because I have to setup my Etsy store” WHAT?!
  • “i can’t record a YouTube video right now so I’ll just go and plan another video for a later date”. WHAT?!
  • EXCUSES. DOING TOO MUCH LET’S YOU MOVE LEFT AND RIGHT UP AND DOWN. IT LET’S YOU GIVE YOURSELF EXCUSES. SHUTUP AND DO 1 THING. DO 1 THING. DO 1 THING. stop. think.
  • see where you start to breakdown, if you focus on 3 things and you start to get overwhelmed. ACCEPT IT, EMBRACE IT AND JUST STOP. DO 2 THINGS THEN. or rather choose which 2 are of priority in your eyes.
  • omg
  • i have a lot of angst in my voice, it’s just that i’m dissapointed in myself. I talk like this. I’m not mad, I’m passionate about this topic. Maybe that’s narcissistic, maybe that’s self-centered. Yet, aren’t we all?
  • take a step back
  • taking 1 day away from your work is not going to kill you. It’s not going to affect your retirement, or in getting a lambo.
  • High chance that how much your working is not worth the amount of money that would change your life. Chill. take a break and be in your own mind.
  • Step back. You think you’re doing a lot but you’re not.
  • “NO BRO, i’m studying and i’m working, and i’m doing youtube, and im doing that and this and that”. Okay so why are you sleeping 2 hours a night though. The basics of life are all messed up here. Realise that.
  • ADIB JUST SLOW DOWN BRO, 1 thing at a time.
  • *proceeds to do my last workout set*

“take a step back” – xxxtentacion

📜 what did i get from the video?

Nothing. That I want to do nothing. For the next 3 days, I want to do nothing that involves income, self-satisfaction, YouTube, Etsy, Gumroad, Affiliate Marketing, broadening my reach, anything of the sort. Nothing, is what I will do. And god forbid me from doing it the best of my abilities.

“i nak buat nothing” – adibmula

+ special journal entry

i want to do nothing at least for today. nothing relating to etsy, or youtube or blog. but then again i nak. f*ck sakit kepala doh. literally pening banging now. man. i need to stop doing so much that i get nothing done. seriously. omg. kena evaluate life choices. i rasa apa i buat ni sangat memalukan. like if orang tanya i wouldn’t know what to say, really. oh i tengah start youtube, and blog and wallpapers lols. wth. apa kau buat dib. apa kau buat. boleh tak kau fokus one thing yang seriously mantap and move? boleh tak? memalukan, unattractive, youtube ni side hustlelah dib honestly just a side thing man.

just dengar and try to take in properly what the fuck is up. cause holy shit this is ass. your whole vibe is ass adib honestly. your whole aura is just loser mentality, loser effort, apa kau buat? sure kau buat somethings, but are they things you should do? really though? should you spend an entire day setting up wallpapers on a site that can suddenly shut down just like that? are you fr? are you really relying on your wallpapers to just set up passive income for life? are you fr? shut the f*ck up. you’ve created nothing. you have nothing to show. you have nothing to build upon.

BUILD THE FOUNDATION. build up what you initially set off to do. STOP LOSING FOCUS STOP LOSING TRACK. STOP TRYING TO DO A MILLION THINGS AT ONCE. all your results are honestly lacklustre adib, honestly. just sit down and think. just sit down AT THE VERY LEAST for today, just sit down and think about what you will do to survive, to make AN INCOME, to find happiness, to keep on track,

…to not feel bad about yourself because at the end, you will die. DO YOU WANT TO FEEL PAIN UP UNTIL THEN? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL USELESS UP UNTIL THEN? I F*CKING DARE YOU TO EVEN TRY TO DO MORE THINGS THAN YOU’RE ABLE TO DO YOU F*CKING LOSER. GET YOURSELF OUT OF THIS RUT AND KEEP A STRAIGHT MIND ID*OT. UNATTRACTIVE C*NT.

get. your sh*t. together. please. you’re worth more than you think. you can provide more than you think. your potential is limitless, why jeopardise your own potential. you. why does it have to be you?

TLDR;

Person: “How are you?”

Me: “hoho, you know… life”

To end this post off, I have a quote from a DanielMac video. After asking a McLaren driver for life advice, he responded as such a piece of advice that we could ponder on saying,

It’s about who not what. Most people ask what do you do? Or what do I have to do? And it’s more like, who do you have to be? So think what you want, and figure out what type of person would have that

📓 What will I do?

As of just having reading this post with a clearer mind. I guess the actions that I could pursue are as follows:

  • post on Gumroad – focus on marketing to funnel concurrent audiences to the said store
  • keep going with YouTube – consider it a side hustle rather than you know a career or wtv
  • blogging – special reason of it being a public journal, just for the soul man
  • admiration – don’t be too hard on yourself. terlalu tinggilah your expectations adib ahaha. how many people have achieved what you have in less than a year of coming from a degree-long suicidal retreat ahahahahhaha

We’re gonna die anyways, try things out see what’s up. Aite? aite. Alhamdulillah.

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