I should just start using this blog in a more nonchalant manner. I keep wanting to make it perform well for SEO or whatnot. Who cares man, this is a public journal to document emotions and thoughts in the moment. It’s not supposed to be a “how to ” guide to daily struggles.
Table of Contents
π± it’s been a while
I have been busy. Trust me when I say this, I have a list of unfinished drafts that need to be settled, or rather I thought were important to me. However, I have been focused on a certain project as of recent. On the 11th of August, I finally bought a Macbook Air 2020 to replace my 8 year old Acer Aspire 5 laptop that is showing it’s age.
I’ve been meaning to get back to editing for a very long time. Ever since my rebound into a more stable mindset and a positive outlook on life, for some reason I wanted one of the random things to try out. being YouTube. Well, I know why. I used to make gaming videos back in the day. That and my recurring editing skills being required in every video project and competition we’ve entered back in University. But eventually I stopped doing it because of fear of judgement, at least that’s what we realized was the issue in my previous therapy sessions with my therapist.
I always aim to be perfect, yet it never happens. I always get disappointed by that fact.
I still try though. Perfectionism is a hard egg to crack, and it sure does bring a lot of issues with it. Low self-esteem, self-loathing tendencies, the more the merrier when it comes to the negativity of perfectionism. One of the so called negatives of it, is the idea of never being enough. That has especially been such a prominent factor, especially having just dropped out of University this year, having no source of income, and the high levels of anxiety when even thinking of getting a job.
I thought I was moving, but I am stuck now.
I think only now I realize that. I do need help. But as of now, I am still okay, still giving myself the opportunity to put work in somethings that aren’t the norm. To put work into things that bring me joy. To put work into things that push me out of my comfort zone. To put work into things that force me to neglect my natural tendencies to just run away from the issue at hand. To face it, embrace it………
βπ» blogging was an afterthought
The day I got my Macbook, was the day I wanted to put all my effort into making a YouTube video. At least just making one. Thus I spent the last week (and more) spending day and night filming, editing, overthinking, and here we are, just posted it. I know I haven’t posted here in a while. Most definitely nobody really cares, other than myself. I am very much so disappointed in my lack of consistency in this blog. My last post been on the 2nd of this month, 20 days ago! My goodness, what a shameful act Adib.
Why do I care?
I think it may be that I have lost too much time, energy and mental persistence in the past 4 years, that I am trying to catch up. I am trying to get back up as quickly as possible. I want to get back to my previous self so fast that I end up experiencing nothing more than sadness and a feeling of defeat.
In turn, me losing my footing on the consistency of this blog, is one example or rather proof that I am losing track of myself. I am not where I want to be. Heck, I don’t even know if this even benefits me. Well, on a macro scale, it definitely does. But to what avail? I have no idea. Yet, just the thought of not having posted any blog posts in the past 20 days is shameful.
π₯ i just posted a YouTube video….. again.
Just now at 7:09pm, I finally posted a YouTube video. As previously mentioned, I’ve been wanting to try things out. Try things that aren’t the norm like studies or whatever. Just to get a grip on life whilst getting back up. YouTube is one of those ventures.
What’s the issue though?
I think I have a deep fear of judgement. That whilst being a perfectionist doesn’t help the cause. The video is about me purchasing my first ever Macbook Air 2020. Pretty simple right? My Acer just can’t handle any video editing anymore. It used to most definitely, but as of recent, as soon as I drag a clip, a single clip into the timeline, it would get close to just blowing up.
I documented the entire buying process. From an hour before the purchase, to meeting the buyer, to after thoughts and excitement of getting a computer that I’ve been wanting for more than 3 years at this point. I think I’ll make it a point to make sure I post the draft of my Macbook purchase later on. Because the main focus of this post is about my feelings having posted the video. Dear God, there are so many drafts to count.
π what’s the issue?
I feel extremely anxious.
However, this isn’t the first time. Truth be told, I have posted nearly 10 videos on my YouTube channel, yet every time I do post one, I experience what I am feeling right now. Unsettling is the best word I can think of. I am unsettled as I type this. Heart racing, mind travelling across limitless scenarios that never really happen. Yet, this happens everytime I post a video. But you know what stops it?
*I set the video to private*
It doesn’t solve the issue of facing my fears or dealing with my anxiety or getting out of my comfort zone. It would be more of a determent to my efforts. Yet, having that option to set my video to private, my video that I have been working on for damn near 2 weeks straight at this point, a week straight of rekindling a passion for video making and video editing, having not touched an editing software in years yet being able to persist through hardships of re-laerning what I have long grown far away from, having fun and trying different types of edits, or the pursuit to find a style of my own, granting access to the creativity that lives in my mind, being able to showcase that on a single video, and yet I say to myself…….
“might just delete later”
I have a strong feeling, I will delete it. As with the other videos that I have poured countless hours into. If I do eventually do that, I might possibly just stop trying this YouTube thing and move on. See how it goes. If it bothers me this much to have written all of this down, to have my mind run with endless negativity and fear, then is it truly the right thing to do?
π£ trying to persist
Whatever it is, I’ll try not to overthink. Few thoughts enter my mindspace:
- understanding that I am an amateur
- being shit at this is part of the process
- making mistakes is part of the process
- saying and acting immature and getting feedback from it is part of the process
- realizing that life is nothing, yet it’s not meaningless
- and that we’re gonna die anyways
A lot of my thoughts to reconcile my negative thinking is about embracing the cringe and acknowledging that all of this is part of the process. But, part of the process to what though? To reach the point of self-satisfaction? To reach a number? I’m not so sure….
I was trying to get some insight, motivation or just a slither of hope that maybe this is not the end. I won’t be known for this crappy video or wtv it is. So I decided to go to some YouTubers’ channels and check out their oldest videos. Most of these channel have videos that stem from more than 10 years ago. People like, CoryKenshin, MKBHD, PewDiePie etc.
Just thinking of how far theyβve come and not caring about what people think along the way of their journey. Just seeing the supportive comments that Cory wasnβt cringey, he was just wholesome. man. MKBHD was also the same case. That PewDiePie’s third video literally has a comment saying,
“Damn, watching this just shows everyones gotta start somewhere.”
Recently ishowspeed had a wardrobe malfunction. As of recent, he has been receiving backlash, great judgement and just pure pain-staking assault from viewers, being bullied by the public eye. He acknowledges that there is just nothing that he can do other than to face it. He streams while crying about it, and that just hurts to see.
In a world where ishowspeed had something unsatisfactory happen on stream, why am I worried about an opinion that I gave online, as if it were to default to mere chaos. As if my opinion even matters. As if my livelihood depends on this single video. My first ever to be exact.
Why am I worried, that I showed my excitement of buying a new laptop. Why am I downplaying my efforts of posting a great video. I probably have more knowledge than most Malaysians out there, when it comes to video editing, storytelling, pacing wtv it is. Because I put so much time into it. I’ve put so much time not just in the past 2 weeks but for more than 10 years I’ve surrounded myself around the action of just making videos, a recurring activity over the years.
Of course I would know more than the average person. But then again, that may be the proof in the pudding, that I eventually overthink about the video editing, the storytelling and the pacing. Because I know more, I should do more, It should be of better quality, I should speak better, I should be better, I should fix how I am, to be more presentable this and that.
It’s hard
*taking a breathe, give me a minute*
In the moment though, having posted my first video, it feels so awkward and very unsettling. I have yet to take a full breathe, since starting this blog post.
What were these YouTubers thinking when they first posted? What was anybody first thinking when they first started anything? I’m so hard on myself man. I really am. I am super judgemental of myself. Of anything and everything. I support other people and their ventures more than I support myself, and that’s a fact.
This should not be the case.
I can honestly say that I give up super quick. Bapak cepat give up. As the bio of my channel says, I don’t know what I’m doing, referring to my YouTube. Yet, it could expand to the definition of my life as well. Granted, nobody really knows wtf they’re doing. Everybody’s just winging it day by day, minute by minute, hoping that whatever comes their way, they can handle.
I give up super quickly just because of my own thoughts, and that is scary. I just-
π₯ in the meantime
Iβll give it 24 hours. i donβt know if i can actually take the judgement man. I am of course assuming that there will be judgement but I donβt know. I just set an alarm for 24 hours. If it bothers me that much then I will delete it when the alarm rings tomorrow. If it doesnβt, then I will keep it up i guess.
entahlah.