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🤑 plays broke boi by playboi carti
RM4.32 in my bank account, i am now broke haha. i do have money stored away but the budget this month has been dried up from both needs and wants. everyday, i wake up with the feeling of anticipation for productivity in my day ahead. i’ll set up plans or keep an open mind for what’s to come. being aware of my surroundings and inner being.
i always ask myself, is what i’m doing worth it? is what i’m doing what i should be doing? could there be an alternative that benefits me more than all of this?
for the past week i’ve been in an unstable state. more so the unsettled feeling of being stagnant. believing that my goals for the time being, are meaningless in the grand scheme of things. for my future self in 5 years or even 30.
🧘 meditation
i haven’t done it in a while, might give it a try. i’ve been putting it off for a long time. knowing i should do it but not dragging myself to. yesterday was a reminder to make sure i would. i watched a clip of joe rogan and theo von talking about frequencies. and theo von a comedian that i would never had expected to even say the word meditation, says he does it every morning. combined with a routine of prayers and isolation with no distractions in the morning.
omg just like me. his explanation of meditation and the feeling it evokes is beautiful. theo von is famous for curating weird combinations of words that at the very least make you think for a second. a whacky mind. but it was the first time i had seen him speak so eloquently about a form of practice, a practice that i myself needed to do. to get back on the horse if you may.
later in the night, i was watching caleb hammer and graham stephan in a beautiful rendition of financial audit with caleb being the guest and graham being the host. it was utterly amazing. having being a long time fan of graham and a recent avid watcher of caleb, it was delightful. the similarity here is that graham also spoke on meditation and how it helps him. caleb was speaking on his anxiousness about being anxious, the fear of fear. that he would anticipate when going on a plane ride. not knowing where to escape.
graham suggested meditation. which again was a shocker to me, hearing that word from a financial youtuber, it was just different. it got me thinking. wow, these may be the sings that i just have to do what has been in the backburner for a while now. meditate.
👍 one sentence
so i woke up, did my daily dzikir, and after solid procrastination finally did it. i finally did it! i sat down on my bed, closed my eyes. remembering to take deep breaths and let my mind run. i knew i was going to get ideas, clarification, and overall peace of mind afterwards. It was just a matter of what thoughts were going to arise, was the question.
one sentence that kept repeating in my mind whilst meditating. the sentence came once i had mentally listed down each tasks that i’ve been doing, each lesson that i’ve learnt, each desire that i am trying to achieve, each tasks that i put forward as a priority. my question to these thoughts were, “what relates all of these things to each other?” and the answer, the repeating sentence in my mind was,
“it’s hard to just do one thing”
everyday seems like an ill designed layout of a newly built building. but everyday the layout changes. it’s a building, but it’s not pedestrian friendly. is has a parking lot but for only one vehicle. it has people in it but not as many as you would think. the building is my mind.
overtime, i see myself straying more and more from everything else. one day i’ll be hyper focused on youtube. the next etsy. then the following day is blogging, then the next is something else. i feel as though most people, or rather most successful people, whether financial or health-wise or even emotionally etc, have one thing they they cling on to.
one thing that sets the ground for which they build their building upon. i assume that with my recent comeback from a mental health issue for the length of a degree it seems like, and the desire to achieve so much in such a short amount of time post sickness… it’s a daunting process.
💡 too many ideas, not enough me
i want to try as much as possible. i want to fail as quickly as possible. i want to get back up as quickly as possible. so i try so many things. things that just reflect what i’m interested in. i like cleaning, was thinking of making a channel for that. i would like to make asmr stuff too. but then i also like writing. this blog has been my top achievement since getting healthier.
i also like the idea of teaching people how to use the computer in applications like notion, canva and davinci resolve. i have also recently been open to the idea of going back to studies. i am interested in getting in shape again. i am curious about starting a business of some sort. i also want to do shortform content. or maybe just funny content.
i want to help people but im shy, i want to be of use. i want to be of value. i want to try so many things so i try to find the one thing that i want to do. as a career, a foundation to everything else, a baseline belief.
🤹🏻♂️ i’m doing too many things though
i’m broke, i have no degree, i’ve gained all the weight back, and i’m lost.
i’m doing too much. it seems that i have a good head on my shoulders. but it’s like a bobblehead, shaking all about. not having a straight path to really just push through. my ideologies have changed . the way i think about life and my future has changed as well. i haven’t been able to accept the normality of lifes system you could say, so i try to find ways to fit my liking. to fit my vision or lack there of.
with trying too many things at once it’s the t shape of the workplace. being an expert at one but others none. but nowadays people say the method that should be implemented is v-shape. having high knowledge in a specific field, but also improving on the other areas, hence “V” shape.
so much information out there. so many ideas, even from myself which is surprising. so many directions to go to. how do people even think of an idea and stick with it? how do people even know if what they want to do is good for them? how do people know their path. how do people be people? i just-
i’m just glad i still have a will
🙌 i pray
it may not be realistic for me to think that i can achieve as much as i want in the span of under a year. but i just hope, if i do continue this path, it doesn’t harm me more than otherwise. i just hope if i do decide to step back, and go through a halal job that is jujur and honourable, even it it pays less than what i had hoped back when i was in univeristy, back when my path was far clearer than not. i hope i can succeed.
i pray to god that everybody in my life succeeds in theirs. and hopefully i succeed in mine too.
Insyaallah.
please support me here, thank you <3