Opened up Twitter as a person with Depression, my mistake.
Oh boy, alright. Just as a disclaimer. I am not writing this post as a blame towards the news or general public in sharing what is actually NEEDED to be discussed. I am speaking as somebody whom quite frankly experience severe breakdowns and spirals for months on end due to a quick simple conversation or just sad information. As I opened up Twitter, I met my match.
Table of Contents
📱 Comfortable with Pain
In recent times, I had always been somewhat accustomed to local news of my government. Getting to know who is running the system per se. Understanding the corrupted country I call my home, that being scattered with opportunists and power-hungry individuals.
Even though these things are way out of my control, I would “ambil tahu”, to take note as to what is happening. I never used to do this beforehand. I always thought the news was bogus and just a waste of time as death awaits us anyways. Beforehand, if I heard a sliver of dissatisfaction it would ruin me for a while. But over time (and I guess with age), I am more accepting of the negligence out there. That again it is out of my control. Thus, why ruin myself because of it.
As people say, you get comfortable to pain. People in toxic relationships, employees at their jobs, even me in my own mind. You get comfortable. We also adapt to it. That’s why it just never makes sense for us to see people in abusive relationships, either mental or physical. We adapt.
But something that struck me as a surprise was my Twitter feed. *curses technology 😤*. As you know, Twitter keeps track of what you like and don’t like. Then it uses this information to create a feed that entices you to spend more time on the application. Oh sorry, it’s not Twitter, it’s “X“. Still such an awful name.
Since making a new Twitter account, I had already kind of curated a feed of business minded individuals, entrepreneurs, and so on. Never would I imagine that with each scroll came a Tweet in regards to the war between Israel and Palestine. It was a subtle heart-pumping shock that riddled my insides with fear and despair. One tweet struck out to me, making me close Twitter altogether.
🩸 *GORE TRIGGER WARNING*
The link to the video is here. However, if you find yourself affected by basically horrific and inhumane gore, please don’t click on it. As an alternative, I will explain (in detail) what happens in the video below 👇. If you may persist, continue reading. If not, you may skip to the next section “Depression Comes Into Play”, thank you.
Let’s begin.
The video starts off with a man in a white shirt with shorts peeing on a dead body. The body is not clothed, and seems to have it’s head blown off. The body also seems to be bloated. According to Jonathan Jerry, a general scientist at the Office for Science and Society of McGill University, this phenomena is called, putrefaction. “As they feed on our tissues, these bacteria expel gases like methane and ammonia that create the bloating frequently seen in the abdomen after death.”
From some netizens in the comments, they assume that these dead individuals were initially captured, asked to strip down their clothes, heads covered with black bags and later shot in the back of the head.
Multiple bodies are seen scattered on the desert floor with many of the living peeing on them.
If that wasn’t inhumane enough, another person seen recording a video from their perspective came up into the frame, and kicked the head of the dead body as to show their hatred, but ultimately their inhumane negligence. The main individual then proceeded to step on the body over and over. The video finishes with the person viciously kicking the body multiple times until it rests on its back. As the body rolls over, the image of the non-intact head is seen.
Lack of respect for the dead. An absolutely disheartening image. To think that this could be only one of billions of deaths. Sad.
To me, it wouldn’t even matter to what party is which, at the end of the day, the living shall respect the dead as they rest.
End.
🫥 Depression Comes Into Play
Depression can confuse people to what it entails. In my words, depression provides a better OPPORTUNITY for the mind to enter a ruminating state. Heck, it encourages it. But it is not the cause of said state of mind. The cause could very be long-term trauma, but to say a Tweet caused my depression is misleading. It’s better to say, “the Tweet triggered my depression”. Imagine a car getting jumpstarted or a runner getting a slap on the ass from their coach before the 100m sprint 🌝.
In short, I was triggered ahahahahah.
I woke up today feeling extremely blessed for a good nights rest. In the past few weeks, I have been consistently going to the gym. Even with giving myself recovery periods (1 day on & 1 day off), I was feeling more and more garbage as the days go by.
On top of that, I was also feeling sickly, extremely tired, phenomenally sore. I thought that giving myself rest days in between workout days were sufficient but I guess not. The fatigue was getting to me, affecting my mood and overall health. “Maybe I’m just pushing myself too hard”. As a beginner in the Gym, I have been maxing out my commitment to it not just in terms of consistency but also volume, proper form and “to-failure” workouts. Maybe that’s why.
I opted this past weekend to take a break. 2 days in fact 😱. I was worried that this 2 day break would deter my momentum, but I had faith that I would come back stronger. With more energy. With more determination to get back on the saddle. Thus after the 2 day break, I woke up today with a *buzz* in my body. A surefire sign that I had some sleep, at least that’s what I think hoho.
🎙️ The 6-Minute Talk
Feeling of dread sank down my body. Sedih sangat. I closed the app, my phone thereafter. And walked around the house. Earlier today I meditated in the dark with my eyes closed. Taking each breathe in purposefully. A few things struck in my mind for me to ponder.
- Proactive
- Decisive
- Idea (Why)
- Execute
- Calm
- Focus on benda dunia first
I reminded myself of that. I then had a thought to reject this eternal sadness that will loom relentlessly. I needed to say it out loud. And so I whipped out my phone and started recording. The 6-minute video concluded below:
Just because a sad thing happened, doesn't mean YOU need to be stagnant. You don't have to be quiet or gloom about it. The sad thing that happened does not mean you should allow yourself to sit down and ruminate. For the sake of your own productivity, your own life. To embrace the sadness. In concurring the negative mind that depression has taught us to allow. Use the sadness and trigger as fuel rather than a reason to just... sit down. Regretful to have opened the application, but blessed that I could learn a mental skill from the circumstances. However, this is the global news. This is reality. Of course not my own, but others'. I'm used to local news and adapting to the idiocy that is our corrupt country, but global news I have always pushed aside. Knowing that my depression will prove to be a problem. And so it did today. Yet, it is something that needs to be acknowledged, seen and heard. For sake of the younger generation that will one day become the new leaders of the world. The new leaders of this short-living life we live in. The least we could do is to acknowledge, see and hear from the affected. From the sickly and wounded. From the ashes. Knowing these events for the sake of retaining history for future generations. Looking at history as it is unveiling in front of us. Depression though. It's hard to ponder on a sad event because you won't know when you will leave it. You will ruminate. But I tell myself that, "just because something bad is happening over there, doesn't mean I can't live a life here". The mind is so powerful, I might as well think I'm there. In the rubble. But I'm not. I am safe and I am here. If everybody in this life were to just sit down and ruminate similarly to a severely depressed invidual like myself, then nothing would move. Their wouldn't be cahsiers at the register. Fathers of a family wouldn't work to ensure financial stability of their household. Nobody would be pursuing their business. Nobody would be talking to their friends or their family. They would hide and ruminate. What does that result in though? Nothing is the answer. No improvement. No progress. No sustenance. No will. Contrarily, things should still "move". Things should still "bergerak ke depan". Worrying is accepted, in this case probably encouraged. However, not to worry immensely. Not to worry endlessly. YOU have a life. You have a life. You DO have a life. We can worry about our brothers and sisters in that country. We can still pray for them. We can still contribute whatever we have towards their livelihoods. At the end of it all though, your sadness doesn't allow you to just sit down and make a sad face 😞. In my case, I have a skateboard! I can go skate! (future upcoming YouTube video btw) + (also I wanted to make my next blog post about my first time skating in years but this post needed to be done). I have the permission to use the gym! I can go workout! I have shoes that I can go for a run in. But then, with my pessimistic mind, I would think, "wait that's not right. Those at war don't have a gym to workout at. They don't have the privilege to think of the health of their bodies because they're at WAR. I shouldn't go..." NO‼️ DO YOUR THING. KEEP DOING YOUR HEALTHY HABITS AND ROUTINE. You have the opportunity to be better, be healthier, meet people, create connections, find a stable job, get money and eventually be in a position whereby you can actually help and make an impact on those whom need aid. RIGHT NOW HELP YOURSELF. GET OUT OF THE RUT. GET OUT. MOVE. JALAN. The amount you want to give may not be enough in your mind. Remember, RM1 could go a long way. Even if in your heart, you want to give the world to those in need, that does not mean you should forcefully put yourself in a position of constantly cycling back to where you started. Give what you are ABLE to give FIRST. Work on yourself and eventually you can help in ways far better than what you initially thought was possible. "FOCUS ON YOURSELF" x infinity Keep things moving. If you don't move because something bad happened somewhere else, there is nobody but you to blame for your stagnancy. Grieving too much, it is deceitful. You would think it's beneficial, yet that is merely on a surface level. Deep down it deteriorates your own mind. Your own sanity. Your own health. Grieve, yes. Grieve too much, no. Alhamdulillah I even got the chance to open up a Twitter account earlier this year. That I had the chance this morning to view the realities of others'. In humbling myself, in finding peace with myself. Even in going through all of this above ahahahha. Incredible. A blessing in disguise.
Just remember, mental health is number 1. Take care of it. Be kind to yourself. Remember others and MOVE.
+ a note that I was wearing my kain pelikat whilst making the video ahahahha. The peach-coloured one that I got from Jalan Masjid India with my beautiful mother 🥰.
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