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My Voice Hurts Me | Notes App Dump | MasaMu #3

You know how people hate the way their voice sounds when hearing a recording and such? Well I took it another step, my beliefs of my voice rather.

In the late evening of September 5th 2023, I wrote down some thoughts in Apple Notes app. Just to let out what I ultimately am not sure of. Warning: it could make you emotional, do not read this in public. This list of sentences are of a very specific issue I have with myself. Here were my thoughts, copy pasted from Notes, 1-to-1:


When i talk, i feel I shouldn’t 

I feel that i am not to be heard, i should not speak, and my words mean nothing

I feel distant from what should be something i care about 

Whenever i speak to my family or my friends or to myself, i feel that my voice itself is like a scratching record, harsh in the ears

People say to speak confidently but when i  bring my chin up, puff my chest out and speak with confidence, it doesn’t feel right

I feel judged all the time

I feel worthless all the time

People say confidence is a skill to be learnt…. That It doesn’t come natural

But everytime i speak

Everytime i give an opinion

Everytime i want to teach

Everytime i make a joke

Everytime i want to share

Everytime i want to vent

Everytime i want to exist

I feel ashamed to use my voice

I feel ashamed to even think i have a say

In anything

Clear tiktok

Clear ig

Clear icloud

Clear twitter (anonymous)

Clear youtube

Just do all that

Just do it

Maybe you’re really not fit for this adib

Bukannya you tak cuba but it’s godly how much the whole process is just hard 

It’s really difficult to even like what I’m doing

Let alone let people see my efforts

Let alone let people see my work

My voice, my literal voice is disgusting

I am nothing

My words are nothing

My efforts may very just be worthless

My future is gravely dim

And i am too lost 

Too lost

The blinking typing thing matches the clock seconds tick

I’m very hard on myself

I expect only the best from myself

I expect myself to have all the answers now

It’s hard trying to be successful, perfect, have it all planned out

10:04pm

Even when i talk to siri, i rasa my voice ni sangat sangatlah kotor

Sangat buruk

Yang kata2ku tak memadai, tak cukup, tak bermakna, jijik

Geli dengar suaraku

Geli kongsi suaraku

Rasa tak cukup, sangat2 tinggi

Susah

Amat amat susah