You know how people hate the way their voice sounds when hearing a recording and such? Well I took it another step, my beliefs of my voice rather.
In the late evening of September 5th 2023, I wrote down some thoughts in Apple Notes app. Just to let out what I ultimately am not sure of. Warning: it could make you emotional, do not read this in public. This list of sentences are of a very specific issue I have with myself. Here were my thoughts, copy pasted from Notes, 1-to-1:
When i talk, i feel I shouldn’t
I feel that i am not to be heard, i should not speak, and my words mean nothing
I feel distant from what should be something i care about
Whenever i speak to my family or my friends or to myself, i feel that my voice itself is like a scratching record, harsh in the ears
People say to speak confidently but when i bring my chin up, puff my chest out and speak with confidence, it doesn’t feel right
I feel judged all the time
I feel worthless all the time
People say confidence is a skill to be learnt…. That It doesn’t come natural
But everytime i speak
Everytime i give an opinion
Everytime i want to teach
Everytime i make a joke
Everytime i want to share
Everytime i want to vent
Everytime i want to exist
I feel ashamed to use my voice
I feel ashamed to even think i have a say
In anything
Clear tiktok
Clear ig
Clear icloud
Clear twitter (anonymous)
Clear youtube
Just do all that
Just do it
Maybe you’re really not fit for this adib
Bukannya you tak cuba but it’s godly how much the whole process is just hard
It’s really difficult to even like what I’m doing
Let alone let people see my efforts
Let alone let people see my work
My voice, my literal voice is disgusting
I am nothing
My words are nothing
My efforts may very just be worthless
My future is gravely dim
And i am too lost
Too lost
The blinking typing thing matches the clock seconds tick
I’m very hard on myself
I expect only the best from myself
I expect myself to have all the answers now
It’s hard trying to be successful, perfect, have it all planned out
10:04pm
Even when i talk to siri, i rasa my voice ni sangat sangatlah kotor
Sangat buruk
Yang kata2ku tak memadai, tak cukup, tak bermakna, jijik
Geli dengar suaraku
Geli kongsi suaraku
Rasa tak cukup, sangat2 tinggi
Susah
Amat amat susah