Life Feels Longer This Year, Each Month It's Own Story

Life Feels Longer This Year, Each Month It’s Own Story | thought dump

thought dump originally written on the 5th of November 2023

I LOVE WHERE I AM NOW. dari segi exercising especially. i rasa ada purpose to go forward in the day? and i find myself WANTING to go outside more nowadays. either to go to the gym, bukit dinding for a hike, or skateboarding, a rekindled interest. usually options deter me from pursuing plans or trying anything new because i spend time trying to find the best one for me. but recently i’ve been more non-chalant in facing my options. a way of thinking such that, “oh its late i can still go hiking though” or “oh yesterday i went to the gym, today i can go skating!”

and they all lead to one of my life goals that i may reach. an area that i would later on call success. the journey has been beautiful though

🧐 the maybe i ask myself

i think its also the allowance of the “maybe”. cause for instance i am working out and skating and just learning a skill and seeing myself getting out more and talking more. the question i always tend to ask and burden myself with is “why?” and “is it worth it?” and “does this help me in any way?” and “is all of this a distraction?”. i think that is a conversation piece in and of itself. but as of late, i don’t think of the “is this worth it?” question. rather i allow life to unfold as i progress. hence, allowed me to do without worry.

this year has been the longest year i’ve experienced. feels like it. past 4 years, it all feels like a blur. i can still recall specific moments of utter dread, but in general the 4 years were revolved around suicide. however, this year especially the later half of it, i’ve been surprised with the interests that i’ve had on a per month basis.

📆 best i could say is “littleyears”

one month i would be really into getting a macbook. another would be the struggle of pursuing youtube. the third month would maybe be about my journey getting back into skateboarding. realizing that i have found myself kind of gravitating towards interests that i used to enjoy back in the day but stopped for whatever reason (not believing in myself, unachievable goalset, high expectations in a short timespan, etc). with this month-to-month change of interest, life feels a bit longer. not in a bad way though.

the reason that i cherish this feeling now is because, i always had this thought that i have wasted my years. imagine dropping out of uni last year and spending this year only to try to have an interest in life. trying out different methods, understanding myself. granted i’ve been doing that over the years, but only now do i see it clearer. my mind is clearer than ever. more aware then ever. in hindsight, quite a change from yesteryears.

but now as i spend life this year, it’s like having little chunks of a lifetime every month. best term i could say is, “littleyears”.

🥞 things stack up

might i reiterate. my interests don’t necessarily change. what happens is interests stack on top of each other. they accumulate. yet every month, i try something totally new or long forgotten, but i allow myself to not pursue it moving forward. i let myself breathe and accept rather than talk down for not. over this i guess trial-and-error period of trying different things, some stick and some don’t. and that’s okay. i gave it time to sink in and i reflect.

“does it fit me?”

“does it feel right?”

“does this activity cause more worry than happiness/satisfaction/etc?”

“endorphine or dopamine worthy?

🍽️ perfection kills the young boy

have always beat myself down because of time wasted. from a kindergartener until now, i have always had a mindset of perfection. and not taking mediocrity as a lesson or even an option. more so a sign of failure and self-hatred. as most kids, i had one thing to my name up until i was 22. my studies. they were something that my parents would never have to worry about. i wasn’t a genius or anything but it was going great. even i myself didn’t worry much.

somehow within struggless of an upcoming exam or migraine-worthy headaches that occur in every semester, i honestly happened to just… get good grades, pass or move on fairly quickly from what i thought would be the worst of the worst. perfection was the only option. but imagine in a second all of it disappears. time. “what a waste of time”, i thought.

💢 i like problems and you should too

Contrarily, where would i have gone though? i certainly wouldn’t have been here to enjoy the struggles of life. to see mishaps and issues and challenges as opportunities to “find a way”. us humans thrive on problems. whether we realize it or not. whether we like it or not. i used to think that running away from problems was the solution. not acknowledging my weight gain was my solution. not participating in social events was my solution to anxiety and low self-esteem. not looking even at the side of my eye towards an issue that may arise. to run away and seclude myself, hide from others when facing issues in my own mind. i thought that was it.

self-awareness is key. being honest with yourself. to allow failure. to lower your ego and allow this sense of mediocrity is what helps propel us to better feats. well the definition of failure for all of us isn’t really spick and span concrete. but maybe what you consider a failure is somebodies greatest achievement. after these few months of doing different things and just living life. in which days are filled up with purpose or at least reasoning, it being more packed than usual. every breath feels so much more worthy now. every breath doesn’t feel like a burden anymore. every breathe feels like it means more.

we try, we fall. we try and fall. humans, we like that. we get a rush to be in a better position when we fall. falling helps.

🫨 the rush we all deserve

i think, if we are constantly “okay”, “happy” or have a “worry-free” mentality, just as losing weight, we may reach a plateau of happiness. when we do fall, we hate it. we hate this feeling of being down. we hate this “negativity”. however it may be just a fall that allows you to get that rush again. that rush of having achieved and persisted past the negativity.

our bodies way of reacting to life’s inconsistencies is by facing the issues. get a rush. sure we may think “we’re only getting back to where we were…” but wasn’t it a nice little challenge? amidst the mundane routine that we could get sucked into, wasn’t it a nice little rush to your brain saying that you’ve achieved something? people aim for higher and higher all the time. once in a while sometimes we just wanna be where we are and feel good about it. so life throws a ball at our plans and we face them with glee, so that we can be where we were AND feel good about it.

i don’t know what i’m saying or if any of this makes sense. but i hope for anybody out there who’s facing struggles of depression and sadness understands that the pain will go away. being self-aware is key to being better. that greeting issues and problems with glee and excitement for what’s to come is far better than perpetually venting to your four walls.

nowadays i don’t even think of killing myself when i wake up ahahahahah and that is a feat in and of itself. beautiful.

Gratitude Comes From Many ‘o’ Places | MasaMu #4 draft

opened up blog after a while. and saw my latest draft post. Was supposed to be it’s own MasaMu post but considered putting it here as a closer. I think it suits my narrative here very well.

A simple morning with simple life choices. Couldn’t have foreseen all these blessings happening. All my blog posts seem to end up being some rudimentary awakening or an unstable mind letting it’s thoughts seen on a computer screen. I think it’s time I should actually share some kind of gratitude that I have experienced today.

This is going to be a short one, but a meaningful one in my eyes.

As of recent times, I have had the privilege to stop by the gym. I have gone to a few gyms in my life, but never have been comfortable enough in the environment. I do think though, with time and being more knowledgeable this time, it has made me a tad bit more confident.

Within my little journey of going back and forth the gym, i got to:

  • talk to uncle smile2 – a chance to practice not being anxious about time and being present. to speak with confidence and clarity. learning to listen and provide conversation pieces. to be respectful of the elderly
  • talk to guards from many ethnicities – reiterating my words to communicate my issue to many types of people. finding solution to my parking problem. not overcomplicating. compromising. and gratitude. keeping my 1-hour promise.
  • food supprtlokal – communicate properly with mama, endure traffic and roads calmly. acknowledge things out of my control. keeping in mind to be proactive and decisive.
  • kelapa – ensure healthy diet. being aware of food intake. reminder and good habits shown “taknak gula”. showing “self love” by sacrificing present wants for future health.
  • my fit – simple baju kapla and seluar sport and kasut bata, felt PHENOMENAL CONFIDENT BEAUTIFUL HANDSOME SANGAT MANTAP. no mask, no problem, walk, show face, be in society, live in society. yeah 🙂

Take time to acknowledge every single breathe you take. see the beauty in which where you are. how you are. and what is here. Insyaallah all will fall into place.

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