Table of Contents
Imagine being your own bully. Imagine being the reason you feel less than you actually are worth. Throughout years of my life, my levels of confidence, self-esteem and self-worth overall have gotten so low to the point of self-sabotage and loathing. Specifically in recent times, I haven’t seen much, or even any sign of value that I would be able to provide.
🙇 i am worth a favour?
He asked for a favour, to advise his sister on creating a website. Few weeks prior I had casually anxiously forced myself to share my new endeavour of writing in a blog, followed by the recent achievement of building my own website. Would I have anticipated somebody asking me for help weeks later? No. Absolutely not.
Is there reasoning to why I engraved this thought that nobody truly cares? Yes. Yet, I had this ideation that nobody SHOULD care but me. It’s my progress from picking myself back up after years of struggling. I see my own progress. We tend to judge people only by what they show us rather than the efforts behind those actions. We are the one’s whom endure the pain, to even maintain the achievement we’ve reached.
But I thought to myself, “somebody is asking me for help?”
The confusion that first arose when I saw the list of messages was shocking. “Somebody trusts me to advise them?”.
👨🏫 my childhood ustaz (teacher)
The quick meetup was efficient and i managed to assemble some sort of vulnerability and admiration to myself, that I am worth something?
There was a time in the past when I reunited with my childhood Ustaz. I was in disarray at the time. He came by to check up on me after maybe 15 years having not seen him. As he was leaving, I asked if he and I could have a chat privately. He admiringly said yes and we had a chat. Never would I had imagined that I would cry in front of a man, another man let alone my childhood teacher.
He told me that to help others is to help yourself. Helping others could very possibly be the meaning of life, and with it being the direction we should strive towards. I figure because at the end of it all, somebody will benefit, whether it be you or them.
As we get older, as time passes within a quick flash of our attention span, what have we accomplished? What have we done? What have we achieved? To whom have we helped? To whom have we affected? To whom are your greatest achievements, not to your own being but others.
Never would I have imagined, that I would be in the position to help somebody. A year ago, I wanted to kill myself. Seeing no self-worth in anything I do, including my own existence. I was tired. I was defeated. I was moving about with a numb mind in a dead body. Unenthusiastic, hopeless, decending into nothing but darkness. I truly believed, that the core of my mind was not treatable. It would’ve been foolish to even expect it to be so.
And yet, a friend asked me for help? Really? hm, interesting.
🪀 what I’d lost I have gained
In recent years, I’ve managed to lose many hopes, desires and skillsets that I had curated over the years. Slowly but surely, I am revitalizing this self-ideology of whether I am worth it or not. For example, I had always loved the process of editing videos since Sekolah Menengah, and so now I am revitalizing this skill to curate content that I myself admire. Granted it is taking longer than expected, but no rush Adib. Keep taking steps, you’ll get there Insyaallah!
I was always into reading at a young age but lost that spark ages ago. However, I started journaling, writing, and recently reading as well. Creating this website was my attempt to share my writings, share my thoughts, with the world. Whether people read it or not shouldn’t be much of my concern.
I myself should be proud to have achieved what I set to do. I myself should feel good, without reassurance from a mere person stumbling on this page, or even a friend stating their happiness on my behalf. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying peoples pujian (praise) aren’t meaningful to me, but more so it shouldn’t be the sole reason in me being happy. It’s like somebody needing a certain amount of likes on Instagram to be happy with their post. Or to have your crush say how good you look to even believe you appear handsome in the annual dinner party. No. Man.
You should be the one telling yourself, that you.are.worth.it. In therapy, I am always reminded to ensure my self-worth to be from myself, not others. My progress should be acknowledged by me, my achievements should be celebrated by me.
How did I get here? huhu.
❓ why build a website?
My friends sister asked me why I even built a website. I spontaneously issued, “cause I’ve been journaling for a few years and I want to just share my insights on certain things”.
8 posts later, some I have grown to despise and cringe at, others I adore to my core. In it’s totality, what I like about them as a whole is the idea that it’s as if I am taking pictures of a moment. But instead of a picture, it’s my thoughts. What I felt in the moment. For example, this article where I expressed my frustrations of having gained weight due to spiraling down recently, yes it would be funny or irrelevant for most, but for me it was a moment in time. On a certain day, at a certain time, I decided to go through my emotions of having low self-esteem due to my weight.
What I’ve realized with YouTube and blogging on adibmula is that I don’t need to share evergreen content. What I post today does not have to be the same way of thinking I would have a month from now. In the post of being fat, I was frustrated, shameful, despising my own body and the choices I’d made to reach that point.
However, now I have a more positive viewpoint of it. That my undesired weight doesn’t define me as less than. That I do have a choice to make a change now. That there is not much to worry about in terms of the past choices, yet only today and the following. The pursuit to be better than the day before is what people with depression and anxiety have difficulty remembering.
Depression = worrying about the past
Anxiety = worrying about the future
Peace = worrying about the present
Instilling the idea of being present is utterly difficult for me. I AM learning though, and have learnt to be more aware and overall more present. With every tippy tappy tap of the keyboard and each droplet of water running down the windshield, there isn’t much more to life than what should be right in front of you.
🏠 i am safe
You are here, in the present. As I am writing this, I am thinking of what I may have said wrong in the past or the anxiousness of sharing my website with others, fear of judgement and shame me for my viewpoints. But where am I now? I am home, in my towel, writing this post, safe.
Everybody is asleep, the wind from the fan is blowing my gorgeous hair (K-pop haircut according to auntie), and ultimately there is not much to worry about. My worries are merely worries. My self-confidence is merely my own view of myself, not necessarily the truth.
I am in awe of what I was able to achieve, seeing where I was a mere month ago, to now. Masyaallah. Reflection, I need some time MAN.