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Happy New Year Adib, You Did It! – Hiatus Update

originally a voice note created in bed on the 10th of January 2024

hi adib, happy new year buddy. update blog.

Yes, I’m still alive surprisingly. Just had some thoughts running one night and decided to record a voice note on my phone whilst i was in bed. Couldn’t sleep well as the past 10 days into the year were anxious-ridden. So here are some thoughts I had that night.

✍🏻 who is the blog for

Writing… is easy to me. Well typing but you get the point. This possibly is due to the fact that I journal everyday. Having doing that for many years now, writing a blog post should be quite possible in my case. However, something easy to me is not going to make me grow.

In addition, most people would watch a YouTube video over reading a blog post. Heck! even I don’t really read back my posts once I publish them. The whole idea behind this website was to show myself that I could make one, and that I could also maintain one! Like I’ve said in the past, to have my own property online, that is pretty cool πŸ™‚

Only here would you foresee the inner workings of my mind… and yet it doesn’t fulfil the desire to be of use. For people to consume and grow from. Yes sure, I could focus on marketing etc, but what’s the point of it all if I don’t necessarily have anything other than the words on screen to show, once they come here.

I feel as though, the direction of this blog was always seen as “clueless”. Should I monetize it? Should I direct people to the site? But all-in-all, why? At the end of the day, this website was created as a trophy! It was created to make a distinction between the end of my therapy sessions and the start of something new. From having experienced and persevered through the trials and tribulations of mental health issues.

Being proud every time I open my website πŸ™Œ

But If I really wanted to give an effect to people. Or if I want to be seen. If I want to be heard, I need to grow. I need to grow. That entails getting out of my comfort zone. The blog has been more so an easy “auto-pilot” form of self-expression.

πŸŽ₯ YouTube, my choice

Now that we’ve settled that the blog is surely for me, myself and I alone, let’s see where we can share knowledge, information, entertainment, what have you. At the same time, generate some sort of audience or community.

YouTube. I think I have made many blog posts in the past about YouTube being my sole source of Internet entertainment, knowledge and being a friend. Man that sounds weird, but it was honestly the “friend” i had during times of seclusion. During times of pain. During times of absence in real life. For better or for worse, I used YouTube as an escape goat.

With that, of course I would eventually be interested in making YouTube videos. Plus, the intention of making content in and of itself, it just makes sense to choose YouTube over other platforms. A new challenge that I wanted to face.

The website to me is a “false achievement”. I’m not saying the website means nothing to me, far from that. I am proud of my website. I really am! I myself have been using the website as a distraction from the main attraction which is YouTube.

Telling myself, oh I just need to post weekly on here, and hopefully success will come. Recognition will come. Acknowledgement will come. But truth be told, nobody cares about you. Nobody does, unless you provide them something. Unless you fix their problems, you mean nothing. Inherently, a blog in 2023 was never the answer to finding an audience ahahahha.

πŸ₯š took a break

So I took a break from blogging. Well, not on purpose. I just forgot about it entirely as I was lost in the YouTube content creation realm. Just wanting to pursue something that I have wanted to pursue for many many years. But always having put it to the side because,

“i don’t have time, I gotta finish my degree”

“i look very bad, I should find ways to make myself better first”

“Excuses!” as Caleb Hammer would say.

If I were to also just say things out loud in comparison to just typing them out here, I would probably have some sort of viewership. Some sort of achievement for myself by now. But a myriad of personal worries, doubts, self-esteem issues, have lead me to not pursuing it fully. Even just for fun, it was difficult. Constantly judging myself.

With me being a NEET (Not in Education, Employment, or Training – just learned that btw), I figure it was for the best if I actually put all my thought and energy into trying something new. MAN!

πŸ‘¦ in the process

In hindsight, YouTube forced me to grow out of my shell. It has!

It forced me to grow so much in the past few months alone, that I’ve decided that this concept will be my first video. This will be the very video that jumpstarts the channel. I want to make something that I would not be ashamed of showing anybody. I want to make something that I myself would be proud of shoving in somebody’s face, preferably an enemy.

I have none, just pre-planning.

I am in the works of writing the script for the video, and would be posting it by this month…. hopefully.

The New Year has been taking a toll on me. Kind of slapping me in the face as though it’s saying, “wake up! wake up! It’s been 10 days into the new year!”. This harsh sudden anxiety of wasting time not working on something, had put me in a bubble of sadness.

Notice I didn’t say depression. I think sadness would describe it enough. As I was still able to move about. Meet people. So on and so forth. Everyday has had its ups and downs. Antics, jokes et cetera. Overall though, It’s been alright! Nothing bad has happened so far.

“I shouldn’t have said that”.

I digress, I think it’s just because it’s a new year. A lot of pressure when people ask you what your resolutions are, or thinking of the “fresh start” thing. I dunno man, I was flustered alright. I’ve retrospectively told myself that this is the year.

πŸ‘ Fresh

This is the year I can finally turn around my life. Four years worth of troubles and inconsistencies. Making it into a year of blossom. But it doesn’t seem that way if I keep up all of these high expectations of myself. A small example would be me actually going to the gym last year. Starting in the latter of last year, around August.

It was nice. I had my own wide space, I was consistent, and I knew what to do every time I went. I knew the feelings of soreness here, so I could do an exercise hitting another muscle. The basics of it all were in my palms. Yet, as soon as this year came, I saw myself not being present, especially in my gym sessions.

I think it came from the hustle and bustle of self-judgement I had. The expectation to achieve anything and everything this year. It made me mindless, clueless, thus never living in the present. Every workout session was lacklustre. Every time I went, I would leave having felt worse than before I went. The intention or hope that I achieve my goals this year.

For health. For studies. The workforce. Income. Self-worth….

😰 so much to experience, breathe

A lot of fears to face this year. So many fears. So many fears.

It’s less of a huge worry. But more so a constant and consistent all day worry that looms my mind. I remember this feeling vividly. I remember in the past when I would worry on a very small level that lasted for a number of days. Let’s say a week. Eventually, I would “explode”. I would have a massive panic attack or some clusters of anxiety attacks for the next weeks to come. That would lead to depression, so on and so forth.

Something will happen If I let this consistently occur. For sure it would. Everyday I would wake up and rush to set tasks for the day. Rush to find purpose in life. Rush, Rush, Big Time Rush. All of this because I need to achieve everything.

Everything needs to be perfect this year. Everything needs to be perfect this year. Everything needs to be perfect this year. All of my issues over the past years need to be resolved this year. All of my worries should be acknowledged this year, no more procrastinating. No more ruminating. They should cease to exist by the end of this year.

I think it’s just a bit too much. A quote that I remember my previous psychologist reminding me was to, “be kind to yourself”. Granted, at that moment I was like, “what the hell are you talking about, what does that mean???”

But as time goes on, as of tonight, I can say that it means to allow yourself to explore. Allow yourself to feel. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to grow from nothing. Allow time. I think overall that’s why I’ve been kind of lacklustre with the quality of my workouts. Seen in the way I eat, the way I talk, etc.

A lot of good habits that I’ve been able to adapt in the latter half of last year, had been forgotten for a split moment. I lost myself for a moment going into this year… even though it’s only been 10 days ahahahha.

πŸ₯ΉπŸ™ facing it

My idea is first of all to acknowledge it. My bad eating habits, my sleep schedule, my lack of momentum in pursuing my goals. Secondly, set expectations that are realistic. honestly adib. Please be logical. All I know is in short I’ve been slacking off from the good habits that I’ve developed last year. Last year was me just getting back on track, facing fears of starting new things like YouTube, skateboarding, socialising, etc.

So that’s where I’ve been. Oh I also got a DJI Action 3 camera, pretty cool. I got a new pair of sneakers too, the Asics Gel Nimbus 25, absolutely wow. “breathe breathe breathe, you’re going to be fine”.

I did get out there and move. It’s a blessing that you can move. Use what God has given you. Use what you’ve been blessed with. Move. Try. Use this blessing. As I use my blessings to update my first blog post of this year. You’re doing great Adib! Don’t worry about it, yet don’t forget about it.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself. Know that we’re all going to die. None of what we worry about now will cease to exist because eventually, we will die. The issues on this earth are minor issues in the grand scheme of things. Understand that all of this worrying means to waste time because eventually, it doesn’t really matter.

That’s it, carry on my dear boy. I have a therapy session in the middle of this month. A psychiatry session to get more medicine. That’s coming in the next six days (3 days of as posting this).

Ϊ’ try and keep moving son

It takes time to speed up. It takes time to slow down.

It takes time for literally everything. As long as you move, you win. Because in the end what else do you want for yourself? Other than winning individually, we also want to win communally, by state, by country, even for some, globally. We all just want to win. Keep moving. Keep going. Move Dammit!

P.S. cats starting momentum

adib btw you started posting your cat videos on your channel. thus at least starting, and pursuing. Small steps. Bismillah.

With that you have gained 44 subscribers with 15 videos as of 13/1/2024 1:52pm. Yas πŸ₯³!

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