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“Take It Slow” & “Go Slow” are two quotes that I have been using ever since starting therapy at Hospital Kuala Lumpur, I’ve managed to understand that I tend to rush progress. I want the product now. For instance, after close to 4 years of inept progress in my studies and career, losing my mind and my stance… I want an answer to all my problems, I want the solutions, I want to make money, to have a proper plan, to achieve a great physique, to understand my purpose, to get my motorbike license, all by today.
“….. unrealistic” I uttered to myself
I don’t usually tell my plans to anybody. However, yesterday as I spontaneously told a family member my plans of getting my motorcycle license. “Can you handle the small bike?” they asked, “cause you’ve gotten big. If you were your size a year ago it would probably be okay right?”. I wasn’t annoyed by that statement more so shocked. Over and over I asked,
“am I that fat?” AHAHHAHAAHAH kind of funny I know but get this:
They were careful with their words after my wide-eyed reaction to that statement, I went quiet. I then started ruminating. However, later I reassured them that I wasn’t mad at them. That it is inherently my own issue of physical insecurities, at least one of them being overweight. It being a pattern throughout my life. A constant gloom over my head.
π it is my issue, it is not your fault
^ my thought process here alone, accentuates progress on the way I think. Rather than blame another person for triggering a sense of dread in me, I was aware and keen on understanding why it did in the first place. Managing my emotions very well and realizing that it is inherently a personal issue. Not somebody else’s “selfishness” to say such a thing to me, but a non-entitled stance that I now have.
Being more objective rather than subjective. Responding rather than reacting. I am proud of this.
I know being overweight is considered the norm. Plus, being disturbed by it is seen as weak. A guy that is insecure about their weight is not necessarily received well in society, is it? Well this is the case, not just for me but a lot of people, I’m sure. I’ve managed to dodge so many hangout sessions, so many relationship builders just because of how I look. Especially coming from such a great weight loss journey, having gained almost all of it back this year.
π€’ a confusing wake up call
When getting instant gratification, we continue. When facing a consequence, we become aware. We learn.
The night of having such dreadful thoughts about my self-image throughout the day, I found myself hunching over the bathroom toilet waiting for the vomit to finally come. I thought of making myself gag, but I did not want to start a new disorder haha. Bringing myself to my bedroom, laying out the exercise mat as to not get splinters from the broken parquet flooring. I sat there with a bucket, and a hope to let it all out.
This is my coping mechanism. Eating for comfort. Even after getting hit in the head about my weight earlier the same day, I did the exact thing that caused it, being aware of it with every step taken. Years of handling issues myself, this was one of the ways to relieve.
I have in the past, brought up my eating habits and how I use it for comfort, specifically with my therapists. On my end though, I didn’t make it a bigger issue than what it actually is. I now realize that actually. I push it aside as if I can fix it myself, but I may need help…
π₯± the morning after
I woke up and wanted a calming drink. Made some green tea and sat there whilst meditating. Muezza, our family rabbit escaped from it’s cage so it’s just hanging out under my extended feet, spreading it’s long body being close to me. Maybe it wanted to be with someone, at least for a short while.
In between having my green tea, meditating, doing a full-body stretch in releasing all the lactic acid over the past few weeks of exercising, I was in and out of the bathroom flushing out any foul disgusting choice I had made the day before. An hour and a half later, I felt fine. I felt okay again. I told myself that yesterday (with all it’s bad choices, unexpected scenarios, unwanted circumstances), was yesterday. Today is a new day to acknowledge those choices, scenarios and circumstances, and build off of them.
You did not fail Adib. The You in the past made a choice. It was merely a choice to eat your feelings away. The emotions that You experienced were merely emotions, not good not bad, they are just emotions. Signaling what was your natural response to this life, at that moment. You are fine.
π be realistic, take it slow, keep moving
Wanting everything now, including a great physique is not realistic.
When we set these unrealistic goals, we can never be thankful for what we already have. We can never find peace in the day. We can never see beauty in ourselves. We can never gain momentum towards “happiness” if we never take the first step to be content. To be satisfied. Knowing that we have enough.
Using self-depreciation, belittling ourselves and magnifying our flaws as fuel to improve is amazing, it’s what we ought to do. We’re humans, we learn and improve. Setting realistic goals that we can achieve in a short period of time is a way better use of our efforts, compared to the usual reaction of degrading ourselves.
π₯ proof in 1 hour a day
I have probably said this in other blog posts, but I did make a website…. from scratch….. by myself.
On the 5th of June, after 2.5 weeks of self-taught learning. Motivating myself to make the plunge and pay for the bloody domain and hosting providers. Neglecting all worries and anxious-ridden thoughts that came my way about finances, failing, the large task at hand, having zilch knowledge going into this…. I scraped the entire website and built it in 1 day.
I built my website just like Rome, in 1 day. wait….
Looking back at my hourly planner that was provided to me by my therapist, I remember just setting an hour a day for anything and everything relating to WordPress. Only 1 hour a day, Adib. 1. hour. a. day. WHAT.
β contrary to yesteryears
In the yesteryears up to recent times, having not been able to even wake up from bed, having crying every night to sleep, having no desire for life, having severe depression and suicidal thoughts, having seizures due to anxiousness,
having all that, and yet I am at this point where I am writing this in my own bloody website. And it only took an hour a day. Granted I would do a minimum of an hour and extended it to a few hours, but the main goal at that time was to be persistent, to do, rather than think.
I started with the set hour and that led me to float through the day doing more than I originally anticipated. This is a reminder to myself, to take it slow, consistency is beautiful if the right actions are taken. Insyaallah, i can use this same mindset to lose fat & gain muscle, but only time will tell honestly haha. Take it slow, and I mean for everything from YouTube to blogging, motorcycle license to a healthy sleeping habit.
Take it slow and enjoy the process. That’s all we have in this short life.
P.S. I set a recent picture of me being an unhealthy fatso as my wallpaper huhu. God gave me a perfectly functioning body, might as well take care of it.
Ciao βοΈ