Table of Contents
An Action Leads To More
The 6th of June. Days of sinking in the feeling of losing a friend, I made a choice. Usually for most of my days if not all, I try to stray away from screens as I wake up. As to not be dependent on irrelevant scrolling of apps or just to make sure I take in the morning through my own eyes, and not through others’.
- not looking at screens
- breathing exercises
- meditation
- drinking water
- self hygiene and chores
All before looking at any form of content on my phone or computer for at least an hour. However, this day was different. Neglecting every typical “morning routine” that I’ve accustomed myself to as of late. Similar to waking up on the day of an exam, I took strides to the computer and started my search, my search for flowers for a friend.
Why Flowers?
To be frank, I don’t necessarily know. In the past I’ve seen her take pictures with flowers and I assume she likes them. Also, the media has made us accustomed to the idea of relating flowers with love, care, or just mere acknowledgement. Granted, don’t just go to any Makcik Kantin and pass her flowers if you don’t know her well, but hey nobody’s stopping you.
Flowers can be considered such a generous yet useless gift in my opinion. On one hand, it’s beautiful (if arranged well), on the other hand, I can’t fathom being on the other end of the stick, the receiving side of all this. Because sooner or later, you will witness the death of said bouquet. Welp, this is what it is and it just makes sense. Flowers.
TLDR; flowers smell and look good.
Finding the right one
This is my first time getting flowers for anybody and I mean ANYBODY, other than “Mi Madre” of course.
ibu, ibu engkaulah jatuh hatiku
Never would I have imagined that I would be spending my early morn scrolling through various ecommerce websites to find flowers. 2 hours pass by and after going through several and I mean a good amount of websites with various selections of giftboxes and arrangements, even getting insight from Twitter… I found them.
This is the bouquet of flowers I received in the afternoon. Wasn’t expecting it to be huge 😱 Whilst hiding it in my room as to not get unsuspecting eyes on them 👀, I was doing my “daily” workout, walking in and out of my room. Noticing that it smelled gorgeous with the presence of the bouquet.
It honestly made me thought of getting flowers for my future home. Bringing some greenery inside brought some joy in the atmosphere, at least for a quick while. My room smelt beautiful, a contrast from the norm. Not saying it was shtinky before, merely stating the nice aroma. DAMN.
BloomThis was the company, and Esmeralda was the one!
The Letter
Again, this is really strange and out of the norm from my usual routine. I made an account on this online florist website, and managed to seamlessly make a purchase. With an additional card that i could put a custom message directed to her.
Weow.
I want to keep names out of this just for privacy reasons, but here is the special card I wrote out for them to print:
Yes, it is cheesy. Yes, you may cringe. Yes, she already read it. We’ll get to know more about that later 😉
What is the Plan?
All throughout the day, whilst waiting for my order to arrive, I had a plan.
- Step 1: Get the Flowers
- Step 2: Prepare to Get Card at the store
- Step 3: Go to the park and Write (with Kakuno fountain pen)
- Step 4: Make A Move to Hers
Now you may be confused. Another card? Yes. I had already drafted a longer letter a week prior to this arrangement. All I want to do is transfer that (and edit it) into a more presentable card. Moreover, you may be thinking, what is a Kakuno? Well, I might as well create a blog post about that. It did help me from taking my own life after all :0.
*Knock Knock*
At 5pm I heard a knock at the door :0. I was greeted with a guy whom said my name and informed me that there were flowers for me! Fantastic. I put them on the daybed in the living room and did a mini photoshoot of the damn thing.
Happy, Alhamdulillah, FLOWERS SECURED!
Beautiful, now all that’s left is steps 3-4. But here’s where my plan unfortunately fell through. And it was 100% my fault omg. I was considering trying to sneak out early before anybody came back home. To keep the flowers in the car. But considering the scorching heat in Malaysia, I didn’t want them to die. Especially considering Esmerelda was specified to die in 3 days.
Sad isn’t it? To be on the receiving end of it. You get some flowers, and knowingly smile through their eventual death. I guess it does teach you to appreciate the moment, the beauty of something as they are still here….. it’s my first time buying flowers give me some slack.
This may be weird, but as long as a step is not accomplished my mind wouldn’t make much sense of skipping it. So as I was going about my afternoon, I neglected Steps 2 & 3 as Step 1 was unfortunately unaccomplished due to the heat. Does that make sense? I hope so and I think so.
I digress! I made sure I did my routine of working out, an early dinner etc. At 6pm or so, I messaged her, asking if I could stop by tonight around 8+. I assumed she would be really busy packing and whatnot, so wasn’t intending to hangout or lepak, just to merely drop off and dip. God bless, she said yes 🙏.
“Hey Siri, Play Pink Panther Theme Song”
At this point people were at my home, and I’m here keeping this gigantic bouquet of flowers in my room, making sure nobody steps into my room nor sees it from the outside. Years of secluding myself from the outside world has finally proven to be a positive skill HAHAHAH.
The flowers were in my room for about an hour. In between my workout sets, I would go in and out of my room, gazing at the flowers and realizing that they actually make the room smell nice ahahahha. It was nice. I don’t have any greenery or a windows to the outside world from my room, so having those flowers to remind myself of nature and the beauty of scent was quite nice, I gotta say.
I got ready. Somebody was in the living room watching a showing of a Japanese reality show ala Running Man, where the challenge was to wear the most glasses in 1 minute, or something like that. OKAY SIDETRACK ✋. The main thing behind the minigame of the show, was because the specific town was very well-known specifically for it’s production of eyewear like sunglasses, reading glasses, etc. To me, it’s pretty cool how Korea is so well-managed in their media production to showcase their country for tourism purposes. Fun, in and of itself, yet underlyingly showing support to the townspeople and their craft of eyewear. Alright ALRIGHT. Moving on.
STEP 4 🤨
After slowly sneaking out of the house, and passing by neighbors and strangers holding a huge bouquet, crossing the street, clock nearing 9pm, I finally went. Drove. Got there. Messaged her.
I was considering recording the whole thing. Me being diagnosed with anxiety, I was contemplating non-stop if I should or not. Until finally, she came by. As she walked up to the passenger seat, i turned on the light, started recording. Her face lit up in shock and gigglyness, having seen the bouquet propped beautifully on the leather skinned seat.
I was recording her, told her to come in. She pulled on the door handle, *locked* lol. I unlocked it and as soon as she opened the door, she greeted me with a surprised and gleeful smile.
Her Reaction Was…..
Easily said, she was astounded at the amount of flowers and how big the bouquet was. Well, previously as I was scrolling through options, going through reviews, and different arrangements of various versions of the same thing, I wanted a big bouquet. Considering, I’ve never bought a bouquet before, I wasn’t really sure if it was considered a lot or not, but she assured me that it definitely was. “I love it!” She said.
She was shocked? That I had checked reviews for them? That the usual procedure to buy flowers is literally to just choose and buy. I said how some reviews said they were arealdy wilted, layu. and I just had to be sure the ones I was getting had a higher chance of being in good condition, yaknow?
I tap tap tap on the card sticking out from the bouquet, she read it and yeah. A smirk from both of us.
A Chat
We didn’t really set a plan whether we were gonna hang out or just a quick chat, but naturally, we started talking in the car. Sad, speechless, I wasn’t really able to curate words in the moment. All I could do was look at her.
I brought up that I wanted to bring a letter. She said that THAT would’ve been amazing! Because it’s rare nowadays, it’s more personal, special. I was a bit disappointed that I didn’t get to give her the letter. I told her that, I had actually drafted a letter ALREADY!
Her: Where is it?
Me: It’s at home
Her: Why didn’t you bring it??????
Me: Because I was thinking of getting a proper card, and writing it nicely and……
She assured me that I could’ve written it in a piece of paper,
it would’ve meant the same as if it was written in a card.
Damn It! I said as she giggled away. At this point, the flowers were in the backseat seat and I scolded them saying why they aren’t enough. Jokingly of course, huhu.
Speechless, i reassured her that she doesn’t have to stay for long. She was packing when I arrived, and I understood that she probably needed to go. Reassured her of that. But we continued chatting, at times sitting in silence. Both pondering. Being side-by-side yet mindfully gone.
Now, it could be that I am an unstable being that has mental health issues (Depression etc.) escalating my emotions about the situation, but it could also be just my sheer sadness not being able to see a friend as frequent as before. Everybody has their stories, and her story involves her leaving.
Just pondering on the fact that after 10 years of knowing her, she’s fulfilling her story. I am without a doubt absolutely grateful to have met her at a young age, and to see her grow into an amazing woman today. To see her progress and prosper in this life. It’s incredible. I’m proud of her. Proud to know her. As I’ve stated in my previous post, she has provided me comfort, happiness and joy…. probably without her even realizing it.
We said our goodbyes, “bye bye” a slow bid a due from me, sadness ruminating. She picked up the bouquet and smiled, “goodbye”. I sat in the car for a bit. A bit lost and not present honestly, dare I say another episode of dissociation? Almost, maybe.
The Flowers Are Gone, and So Is She
In between every couple of minutes, I took deep breathes, knowing that she won’t be “here” anymore. She won’t go far, but still she won’t be here.
At times during all these thoughts of negativity, catching myself in rumination, self loathing etc., I do see beauty in things that i wouldn’t have, before mental health sicknesses arose.
In this case, the beauty of having known someone in this life, in this god forsaken short life, someone who had such an impact. Someone that would give you a sense of peace when you were with them. And to be able to lose that, I guess it makes it more meaningful, because it happened.
3 Things I learned About Flowers
- they smell nice
- they look nice
- they remind you to be present, life and death in 3 days.
On A Good Note, at least I can get number 2 & 3 done anytime soon
Step 1: Get the Flowers- Step 2: Prepare to Get Card at the store
- Step 3: Go to the park and Write (with Kakuno fountain pen)
Step 4: Make A Move to Hers
thank you for coming to my TedTalk. This is all fiction and not to be taken seriously, goodbye.