Table of Contents
Introduction
It’s been such a bittersweet journey. I started therapy in the middle of last year and ended my psychology treatment on the 28th of June 2023, a few days after writing this. I received a phone call in November 2022 to set my psychology appointment, a grand 8 months in advance due to shortage of staff. Shocked but I accepted it, why not right?
I got another phone call in April from a psychologist asking whether I would like to prepone my appointment to April, I of course said Yes! “What a blessing!”, I thought to myself. Rezeki i juga. And so, 9 weeks of therapy later, a lot of ups and definitely downs. I can honestly say these 9 sessions have changed my life, creating a new chapter per say.
On the top of my mind, these would be the things I learned along the way:
- having to push myself and face people in the real world.
- being in a crowded environment, getting over my developed social anxiety.
- sorting out my schedule to make sure i didn’t miss a single session, which i didn’t.
- even being late for a lot of it but didn’t hate myself for it, seeing that as a sign of progress itself.
- the amount of positive affirmations that i have been able to curate on a daily basis because of the therapy sessions.
- diving into all of my history, having issues with the D in BOLD. we got to work.
- i just needed an extra push to know that I can do. Started with a simple hourly planner, then emotional tracking and then goal setting.
- ^ this was literally what i needed. what I was confused about yet perceived. Now I understand. Trials and tribulations, yet here we are, here we are.
- after a year of therapy, in and out of private and government institutions, i am finally moving.
- i am finally moving.
🏎️ OTW
The journey to the hospital was a dissociating experience. Due to having not slept well the night before and it being an early morning session. I made sure my hands were gripping the steering wheel whilst my foot was as heavy as a rock on the gas pedal. Don’t worry mama, I’m following the speed limit 😉
As I reached there I realized since it was Hari Raya Haji, it was kind of empty, took a while for the parking lot to fill up. I was happy I arrived early nonetheless. Twisting and turning in the car, leaving the car and getting back in, I was restless. So, I decided to enjoy a nice walk all around the parking lot.
A tight corner always halts drivers from pursuing confidently, as they do this dance of back and forth. I would quickly help them and move on with my life, that is life. After 2 hours of diddling around and even making some smiles with a family who saw me poke my head out of the car, I finally went for my final therapy (psychology) session.
🧕🏽 My Therapist
My therapist was a trainee and soon to graduate, I wish her the best of luck in her life as she has helped me too much to comprehend. Her methods may be textbook, but her understanding was infinite. She would always refuse any praise I give her for helping me week-by-week. However, I wanted to give her flowers where it was due. Giving praise where it is due.
I would say, “I know I know, I am the one who put effort, who did it consistently, who strived day-by-day to improve over time, but I want to say thank you for directing me on this path & thank you so very much for being here for me in this very point of my life“. My voice was trembling, her eyes were teary.
I was lost. Totally lost. But with a little bit of external guidance, I can now fly. I still remember her words in the second final session when i said “…I will fly”, referring to the end of our therapy sessions soon-to-come. She smiled and added,
“whether you fly high or low, know that you are still flying”.
Gone were the days of hating myself, of pursuing self-harm, Insyaallah for the rest of this year and the years to come 🙂 Of course, there is still much to learn and digest, I still feel what I have felt over the years, but less. And what I have learnt over this chunk of therapy sessions is:
life is not a constant struggle of refusing negativity, of wanting to be happy, BUT,
it is a constant stride to be able to handle the issues, handle the struggles.
Struggles will come, bad people will come, hatred will rise from within,
but how do we handle it? How do we face the issue?
How do we
reactrespond.That is what life truly is.
✍️ Reflections The Night Before
The night before I wrote down my reflections throughout the 9 weeks of therapy. I didn’t intend to write so much, yet I did. Too much have I gotten from the mere 3 months or so of psychology treatment with my therapist. I didn’t even intend to “prepare” this list, yet writing each and every reflective thing that came to mind, I realized I had gotten more than what I had anticipated.
This is what I had written down:
- learning to lower my expectations
- handling conversation better
- more upfront about how i feel, listening more, not forcing an idea or understanding on a person, creating a gap – healthy gap
- can kind of resist temptations to counter-attack someone
- can slow down speech and use critical thinking
- realize when a situation will not go my way for any reason
- know that i can take a step back, and learn from setbacks
- lower expectations of myself, to achieve a better, long-term goal
- learning to let go
- more aware that i have free will
- bad habits day-by-day leading to sadness, i can catch myself, and reevaluate my life through goals
- more confidence and calmness in a daily basis
- understand what i see as important to me & not
- smaller scale & bigger scale issues can be resolved
- i’m not perfect, or close, but that’s fine
- see things on a realistic standpoint than imaginary
- long way to go, it’s my progress. nobody should care but me
- this is all a learning process, alhamdulillah, I have come so far
Writing down my reflections showed me what I could do in 9 weeks of 1 hour sessions. In that case, what else can I achieve? More? Really? I can achieve more? Wow, never would I have guessed that these thoughts would come. The day before the final session, I had just got done bathing, and tried to remember the first time I went to therapy.
A year back in time. Immobile I was, every waking second was torture, constantly trembling from anxiety, constantly thinking of taking my own life, having this surefire belief that the core of my mind is not treatable. “Sure we can fix a burnt down home, but the foundation of it is unsafe, unsalvageable”, my thoughts then.
However, what I have learned through my ups and downs these past sessions, is that the foundation doesn’t have to be good. The root of where my issues lie don’t have to be removed, vanished, disregarded. Because the branches of life are still growing. Aren’t they? The branches of life are still multiplying aren’t they? Time is still moving isn’t it?
💀 When I started therapy I had this notion in my head that,
“Life is Meaningless, but the occurrences in it are not”
I still have this mindset today, but with a torch lighting it from a different angle, creating a differing shadow. To me, as of now, life is still meaningless, and the occurrences in it are still not. In a way, this idea is me accepting that life is nothing more than what it is.
At the tender age of 25, unfortunately Death has always been on my mind in recent years and I am not sure if this way of thinking is good or beneficial. But it keeps me going. This quote keeps me going. My understanding of life is that, the hardships are merely hardships. They are them and I am me. We exist in tandem.
“We will die one day, so why bother (worrying)“
I had been using this quote in my most recent therapy sessions. In the past, the quote would end on “bother”. But now, the quote extends to “worrying”. I have spent years of my life worrying, admitting my failures and never rebuilding myself from them. I always thought that we will die, so why bother.
But as of now, yes it is still a struggle but I tell myself to not bother worrying. To spend my time in this “meaningless” life constantly thinking of the worst, is to spend time in this life in despair. Why bother judging a person, hating on our own existence, wanting something that is not in our control to change for our own selfishness, etc. etc.
Why?
👨 An Unexpected Meetup
There was a time I had just finished hiking, and a man came up and sat at the same round concrete table I was drinking my Coconut water at. Apparently, it was my primary schools friends father whom I was chatting with, small world. Prior to him coming by, I was just admiring the trees, looking at the view. Something was on my mind. Since I didn’t know him, I didn’t mind asking him a more personal question:
me: uncle, can I ask you something considering you are a father and all
uncle: sure
me: how do you handle loss? Whether it be of family or friends…
uncle: …………..to have faith. If it were my parents, of course I would be sad and have to take time to mourn. However, if it’s a girlfriend, then well I tell myself, “I can always find another”.
Me: hoho
Uncle: Because this earth is nothing but temporary. We strive here for the betterment of ourselves and others, but at the end of it all, we have faith. That is what helps us to keep moving.
He explained in layman terms what I have been thinking all this while. To even hear that from another person, a stranger, a father, was both surreal yet comforting. An unexpected yet beautiful meetup.
❤️ Conclusion
I think I would be able to keep writing for another 4-5 hours about my therapy journey, but I think I’ll stop here. Thank you to myself for pushing through and having seen what i have created up to this point in my oh so meaningless life. Alhamdulillah.
P.S. I am still meeting my psychiatrist every few months, specifically to get my medicine and update them on my progress. I just have to acknowledge that psychology has been such a wonder of an experience. Being able to explain the hauntings of my past and to just be vulnerable. Psychology has been amazing for me. Being able to speak about how I feel, for the most part, being confused about how I felt.
Psychiatry is great but the sessions or rather the doctors aren’t trained to change your behavioral mindset, unlike psychologists. Both parties, including the uncles and aunties, abangs and kakaks at the psychology department of either private or government institutes have confided to such commendable careers, I just can’t look past that.
Psychologists have a special place in my heart. Just to think, imagine knowing what you do directly impacts the lives of others just 1 hour at a time. Incredible.
🐢 P.S.
Prior to writing this I was having a low mood. After having written this, it goes back to a lesson I learned in Mark Mansons book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*CK”:
I am trying to put into words my experience with therapy. Here on out, I am more aware. I still do not know what is wrong with me, but I don’t necessarily need to know haha. All I can do is to make moves, actions. And to where it will lead me, is to where I will go. Don’t make it complicated.
⛅ BONUS: excerpts from my personal journal
honestly her voice is very soothing, so bila she cakap i cam nak tidur. very tenang. i basically just cuba tangkap apa she said. in short yeah. that i’ve improved so much since the first session, that i have grown into such a more calm and better person. i am able to handle issues with clarity and have a goal etc. i am extremely consistent with my progress on top of being such a resourceful person. Alhamdulillah.
i basically katalah how she has helped me so much. and she nak ptong i i kata i know i know she giggle. i know its me my hard work but you helped me so much, directed me on this path and helped me understand myself more and more, thank you so very much for being here for me in this very point of my life. i nak nangis trembling voice, she pun nampak mata berair.
pastu masa kita go through the childhood stuff in short LIKE MY GOD BRO.z
when she asked me how i was as an adolescent
i said well my mum would tell me that i was a very good child. that i was always silent. ahahahhah funny cause sekarang pun like that also. but this was the mind-blowing part. i said that my mum would tell me that she could go to a full haji course that lasted for months, and i was never a bother. just give me a pencil and paper and i’ll do my own thing for 4-5 hours.
and my therapist said, oh that makes sense that you do find solace/comfort in writing now actually. I TELL YOU I SUMPAH TERKEJUT HOLEY FUCKING SHIT. MY GOD MATA TERBELIAK, LIKE WHAT I’ LIKE LAUGHING LIKE WTH NO WAY she pun gelak2 bruh. took me a while to recover. gila weh. the reason i ingat pun nak cakap tu, was last night dinner with mama she told me that. so i cam okaylah cakaplah sambil2 topik ni.
BROOOOO DULU I SELALU DIAM DOING MY OWN BUSINESS JUST WRITING AS A BABY BRUH. NOW IM DOING MY OWN BUSINESS AS AN ADULT ALSO WRITING RBUH, JOURNALLING, THIS WEBSITE, AHAHHWHHWHWAHHTHTHTHTHTHHTHTHTHTHTHHTHTHTHTHHTTHHTHTH. LIKE IN BOTH CASES I FOUND COMFORT, PEACE OF MIND, BILA ADA PENCIL AND PAPER TO JORT MY THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, WHATNOT BRUH WHAT.
i asked her if can take selfie, she said can but cannot show face etc. we took 😊 so happy about that. i am learning to let go as i wrote in my paper.
welp. i took my time though. i pergi ask woman if can domore sessions, but kena set with psychiatrist. no worries. tanya if ada kuota etc. she was really nice. also, i went to edge of pharmacy cermin tu, just layan matahari, tengok skies. blue skies. really trying to take in the whole therapy journey here. Masyaallah sangat cantik. macam nak nangis tapi tak boleh juga haha. after a while, i left for the car. got to help this auntie. she make joke2 about moving double parked bmw. i said to her nasib he tinggal nombor situ, she said nasib baik kalau tak tingkap pecah AHAHAHAHHA WE LAUGH NY. Dipped home.
while i’m rwiting this, i am smiling, thinking of what is to come, nak ambik lesen ke nak sambung studies ke. what issues and more life things will come 🙂 smiling, smirking, wow.
okay sambung, i’m still smirking wow. let it happen adib. I tend to not want a certain feeling or don’t understand a certain feeling, even not deserving a certain feeling. and so I try to push it away. But not this time. For the first time in 4 years, I rasa excited for what’s to come 🙂
i masuk dobi, kak nak plastic untuk kemeja. she terkejut like HAH?! and i said nak plastic nak beli dia pun OH AHAHAHHA. I THINK SHE THOUGHT I WAS ROBBING THE PLACE FOR PLASTICS LOL.
baiknya orang diva i was out and about sampai my table they come an put drink so nice. they waited for me. usha maybank mae i first time guna qrpay app tu, cantiklah actually. and dipped. balik i dengar lagu bumping record video lagi. banyak video harini, documentationlah kan last day therapy. ummmmmmmm.
2 benda i wanna make from today, video tiktok and blog post ^. my last therapy session with miss, lol we laughed about me totally butchering her name too ahahahah. very sweet, very gentle. also i buat like a 1 to 5 stars rating for therapy and i gave her full marks basically, added comments for each like very well spoken or even the whole therapy being better than swasta ahahahahha. alrighty alrighty.
alhamdulillah for today. baru habis hujan i think. harini hari raya haji. berkat, rahmat Ya Allah sangatlah berkat Masyaallah. 😄 terima kasih Ya Allah Alhamdulillah. sujud syukur.
IT HONESTLY FEELS SO SURREAL TO HAVE FINISHED MY 9 THERAPY SESSIONS WITH MISS 😊 IT REALLY DOES FEEL LIKE A DREAM. I KIND OF JUST WANT TO TAKE SOME TIME FOR MYSELF AND JUST TAKE IT ALL IN. unfortunately for me, 10 mins meditation tu tak cukup kot. 1 harini pun tak cukup. i kinda just wanna sit somewhere, maybe enjoy a book and relax for a long while.
semoga miss dapat barakah and rezeki bertimbun kerana telah tolong saya sangat2 dalam kes ni. Amiin.